And it suddenly dawned upon me...

"Do you know the meaning of this symbol?", the guide was pointing to the swatiska found engraved at every Buddha's chest.

I chuckled at the question. Geez, how many times must i be asked this question, "Oh, yeah, it means peace and universal love for all. It's the opposite of the Nazi sign which means destruction and dominance."

"There's another meaning, you want to know?" the guide smiled ever so benignly whilst the sun cast a warm glow on his brown face, casting him in a saintly light against the backdrop of Marble Mountain.

He didn't wait for my reply."It looks like a wheel and it gives the meaning of rotation, meaning there is change. It is a Buddhist tennet that all things, worldly matters, are constantly changing. Nothing is spared. Everything is thus impermanent. The Buddha realised this, and hence preaced it to all beings, be prepared, nothing last forever, do not cling on to anything because it will only cause you grief. Be open to change and accept it happily, that is the way to live, to live a fulfilling, joyful life."

I stood there, mesmerized by the depth of his understanding. A gentle breeze with a lingering fragrance touched my cheeks, almost as if the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas are saying, we're here, he speaks the truth. Mum and Dad joins us, standing by my side, listening to this wonderful dharma.

"The Buddha says, change always happens, you are born a baby then you grow up, marry, have children and then you grow old. This is easy to accept and be happy about. But the Buddha is great because he even accepts sickness and death. He says, be happy when you get sick, accept it, it is a phase in life. The Buddha even accepts and is happy when it was time to die, because he has served his purpose in the world.This is the dharma, nothing is permanent, so too our lives. That's why we should do good all the time, every single day of our days, every moment, every thought. Then we have no regrets and can happily accept death when it is our time." He concluded and locks his eyes with mine, as if asking, "Do you get this?"

Sigh, i've translated hundreds of dharma lectures and have heard this principle expounded in numerous ways, been touched by it's raw truth and have on many occasions earnestly resolved to be of service to all to the best of my abilities, till my very last breath. Why? Just so this life is not lived in vain, that i will look back at it and say, "Yes, i have done everything i can to the best of my abilities and yes, i can go now. No regrets." That was and still is my greatest wish in this life.

Snapping back to reality, i saw mum and dad still standing by my side. "How much longer will they still be by my side?" the question urgently popped into my mind. I refelcted upon the happenings of the week, we've been a merry band celebrating my younger brother's wedding in Vietnam, enjoying every conceivable luxury within our reach, revelling in all the joy and happiness this union brought about. We met Joe and Bill (Rae), Kate's Australian god-parents and been inseparable ever since, almost like having a brand new set of grandparents.Life is great! Life is wonderful! Life is full of joy!

Suddenly there is a sense of urgency, this will all come to an end, worst still, i don't know when. I know when the holiday will come to an end, but nothing can prepare me for the rest. Beyond my control, helpless.Mum and dad are getting so much older, though they are young at heart. As it is they their bodies are giving way to creaky bones, age related diseases and all sorts of woes common to the elderly. Medication control their deterioration, age defying creams halt the wrinkles, trendy clothes hide their age and gives us this impression that they are fine, and will be with us for a long time yet, casting the illusion of happiness at this point. Deep down, i know, this will not last. One day, i will have to accept that they will no longer be able to climb Marble Mountain with me, explore the ruins of MySon or be right here, beside me when the dharma is expounded.

I looked at my brothers, though they have always been here for me, throughout my life, supporting and cheering me on in every single aspect of my life, i realised, one day, this will all come to an end. They will have their own lives to lead, their fair share of trials and tribulations laid out in matrimony and setting up a family, and it will come a time when i have to stand on my own, i will have to be there for them and be what they have been for me. I will have to grow up. I will have to change. I will have to take responsibility. I will have to do my duties, as a sister, a daughter and take on every other role life calls upon me to undertake.

My brand new sisters-in-law come to my mind. Once barely even acquantainces, then suddenly part of the family. Imagine the transition they had to make, i'm sure nothing in life prepared them for this sort of change too. Especially having to get used to an unconventioanl family like ours. Imagine Kate who has to bridge her Vietnamese culture and village upbringging to our Malaysian culture and urban lifestyle. Imagine Siew Min who has to get use to speaking english and hokkien in our midst when her language at birth is Mandarin and Hainanese. Imagine getting used to our hot and spicy fusion palette at meals, so different from her traditional plain, bland chinese food.

All this seem like small things, but it is the small stuff in between that make even the bravest souls knock at the knees. I do believe it cannot possibly be any easier for both of them.

Then it dawned upon me. It is not my task to fret over potential change, dred it and live in a constant state of apprehension. It is in fact my role to embrace it, take it in my stride and handle it gracefully. Change, that is what i have to prepare myself for. Change is not something to be feared. For fearing change is like being afraid to live. It is a fact, which in different circumstances bring about varied consequences. That is all there is to it. Change defines life and hence embracing change is, in plain words, living. Abhorring change is, on the other hand, rejecting life.Clingging on to what we love, like, enjoy and possess only compounds our own misery when it is taken away. Dredding what we loathe, fear or do not understand only makes the journey that much more painful and laborous.

I realised i should not be caged in my own fears nor keep on second guessing what is instore in the future. How we live our lives, the quality of it, is our very own choice, hence our own doing. There is not a single person or situation to be blame how we are living.It became clear that i should do the very best that i can in every single task entrusted upon me and any challenge thrown towards me, without fear or favor, then i would have lived. I would have lived a full life, utilised the skills and talents i have and will be acquiring along the road, bestowed upon me for good measure. I woulod not have forsaken the kindness so many have showered upon me, especially by my parents, teachers, elders and of course, the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas.Realised just in time, time to open up my mind.

As the Buddhist Patriachs often says, roads open when minds open, essentially meaning an open mind opens up limitless options, opportunities and even solutions. Accept change, embrace it, be interested in it. Avoid the crevice of jadedness. Never be so jaded that the mind is slammed shut against diversity, options and even miracles. Never jump to conclusions even before giving the situation a good chance to prove itself. Never give up hope and most importantly, never give up living.

And it suddenly dawned upon me, time to live.